The ________ in the Mirror

Mental Masochism

I've got that Michael Jackson song Man in the Mirror stuck in my head again.
Sha-mon
I don't even know the lyrics, just the title line and it is driving me crazy.  It is running through my brain endlessly and has been since it got me out of bed this morning at 4:30am.  Over and over it repeats.  I know that it is my conscience screaming at me to actually go and look in a mirror and face myself, but I haven't yet found the courage to do it yet.      Let the internal torture continue.

Avoidance Due to Fear?

It is my belief that this reluctance to actually face myself in the mirror and address the issue at hand is normal.  Should anyone reading this feel otherwise please keep it to yourself because I and my assumed army of self avoidant people don't want to hear it.  Go and busy yourself and your clear conscience doing good in this world and let us self destruct alone. 

Once I finally do get to it and look at myself in the mirror - I am sure that the face will be recognizable.  More wrinkles, gray hair, and probably more ear and nose hair (that stuff grows faster than my yard) than I would like, but all recognizeable.  It's the eyes that I really don't want to look at.  Being genetically blessed, I suspect that the blue-green color will be the same, but the centers could be ugly - they're no different than yours, round and black, but sometimes it can be quite disturbing to look right at them.  I wish that I could just see the shape and color and appreciate just this, but it is impossible to look directly into them and not see the faults of my most inmost being.

Lack of sleep and fear of the truth is now culminating into a cloud of gray that seems to be creeping over my entire being.  There is depression in the air, a life sucking condition that many know all-too-well and I must take action to choke out its life force.

Fear be Gone!

According to the well researched article from Eric Barker in his recent post  How to Conquer Fear, Backed by Research :

Here’s how to conquer fear:

• Spend time thinking about your fears. Envision them as vividly as possible.
• Make it worse. Yup, take them to the extreme. It won’t kill you. Just sit there with them.
• Gradually expose yourself to your fears. Don’t just imagine them. Slowly get closer and closer to experiencing the real thing.
• Prepare. Use your visualizing to guide you on how to prep and make sure the worst never happens.

Well I can tell you that I have definitely spent some time (particulary time that should have been spent sleeping) thinking about my fears.  I don't think they could get any worse, so I guess that means that it is time to expose myself to them.
It is time to get in front of the mirror, screw preparation.  It's time to rip that Band-aid off - just get to the mirror and find out what the big deal is.

Come to Me, Oh Sanity

As I step in front of the mirror and begin that physically easy but psychologically hard action - looking myself in the eye - I immediately begin to feel sane again.  I have faced the fear of facing myself and already am benefitting.  Now, as I stare deep into my own eyes, I ask, "Ok, Tim, What is the big deal?"

The big deal is that my mind has buried the truths of my thoughts and actions deep within itself so as to maybe hide such disgust from my soul.  There are things I have said and things that I have done that I didn't even think about.  Every action has a consequence and I have been acting a lot without thought to any of them!

As I peer deep into my own soul in the mirror, I begin to take stock of the truths that are me.  These are not all wonderful truths, but as I am bluntly honest with myself  I begin to address my faults in the manner that my Catholic religion has taught me: 

I confess to almighty God ... that I have sinned through my own fault, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done, and in what I have failed to do ...

(more about being Catholic here: Dynamic Catholic - Be Bold; Be Catholic)

Ignore the Outhouse and the Poop Piles Up

My legs are getting tired from standing here in front of the bathroom mirror.  I have not spent enough time paying attention to my own conscience in a while and the back-log of crap that is in there is taking a while to account for.   If only I would've faced my fear and gone through this process earlier - oops, another "regret",  add it to your list and quit beating yourself up about it - I could have gotten some sleep last night.

Understand that I am not spending this time cleaning myself out in order to re-gain perfection, I have never been perfect and have accepted that as a human I never will be.  
My buddy Sean Carpenter writes about real life and real estate, he said that perfection will never come, but "(that) shouldn't stop us from expecting the best."

Heck, with the list that I am now accumulating I can see that I am no where close to perfection.  This ton of crap that I have now expelled from myself is enough to drown in.  This is where it pays to understand forgiveness - both how to give and how to recieve it.  (ask your pastor/priest about this hyper-earthly experience).

As I complete my inventory of regrets, angers, sins, mistakes, hurts, etcetera, and accept them all as my own and give and receive forgiveness,  I begin to feel the burden release. 
 Sleep may come easy tonight.

Sha-mon.